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About Allen

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    Advanced Member

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  1. So yea, I'm taking a break haha. I havent been in the best frame of mind lately. Obviously I'm doing something wrong and I need to take a step back and evaluate things in more depth. After some recent events, and hitting an all time low I had an epiphany which was hard to come to terms with. My epiphany was the fact that I'm satisfied with being anxious, lonely and depressed. Do you understand what I'm saying? I'm satisfied with my unsatisfactory life! The comfortability of the depressed life I live obviously outweighs the drawbacks of trying to get better, otherwise I would have changed by now. Basically I realized I'm just coward that makes excuses for himself, settling for a life I dont want. I dont want this to be my life anymore so I just need to give it my all. I complain about how I'm alone and its hard to go through such high anxiety by myself. But the truth is, its just reality. I wish I was important to someone, but I'm not. And even if I was, no amount of pity changes anything. I need to become a man in my own eyes. I need answers to my life.I feel I need to learn how to accept my solitude, accept responsibility for the cards I'm dealt, and just deal with it and bite the bullet. This is why I dont want to go to chat until I get better. I know you guys are there for me, but at the end of the day, I'm still just as lonely as when I woke up. I can't use chat as a substitute for companionship. I can't use chat as a means of support. I dont want any support other than my own internal motivation. I need to isolate myself, accept that I am completely alone and lost. That way I have nothing to lose and can only go up. Anyways, I care about you all very much and wish you all the best. I wish I could of said personal goodbyes to each of you but it would take too long. Youre all great people and you know compassion much more than the average person. Thats what makes chat so great, and so hard to leave. If you want my email just leave me a personal message on here and we can swap. Take care- Allen
  2. I dont know what to say, but I'm sorry for your loss Dino. I'm with you in thought and as a friend. - Allen
  3. Let everybody rememeber the individuals who lost their lives 10 years ago to the day. May God bless the families and friends of everybody affected by the tragedy of 9/11. If anybody on here lost a family member or friend on 9/11, my heart and wishes go out to you. - Allen
  4. Hey Dino, thanks for trying to keep the activity and comradery around here alive, I know its been dying out. Not only is the forum suffering from lack of participation, but the chat is too. Perhaps people are just feeling better, who knows? Anyways, I'm sorry to hear that your health has you so immobile right now, I hope you get better soon.
  5. Hey Cheerygirl. Suicide is such a heavy topic for most people, maybe thats why it seems like nobody wants to talk to you about it. When people talk to you about suicide, you cant help but feel a bit responsible for their well being afterwards, or at least thats how I feel. I dont know whether youre talking about the chat room or real life, but you know that you always have friends in here that would be willing to talk you about this, myself included. I know what you mean when you say that you have to resort to saying youre "fine" when someone asks how you are. But please don't feel that way in the chat room, I mean thats what it was created for. Although I do agree with LLaura. If youre talking to people and they are not really understanding you, or its making you feel worse, dont limit yourself to just talking to friends. Regular people don't always know what to say or do, so sometimes a therapist is a good choice. Anyway, I just wanted to extend my hand of friendship to you. I might not be able to completely understand what you are feeling, but I can relate. I hope I see you back in chat, and I hope you feel better.
  6. Hey BB. I miss seeing you in chat. Stay strong man, I hope you get better soon. I wish you the best, sincerely. Your friend- Allen
  7. Happy Bday Pog, I wish you a good one. Have fun.
  8. Allen

    Apathy/Emotional Numbing

    Hey Kuno. While my emotional numbing might not be as intense as yours, its something I can relate to. While its gotten better, my emotional numbness used to really scare me. I never understood why people said that they would rather feel nothing than feel depressed and anxious etc. I dont know if its the same for you, but when I feel nothing, I feel like I'm a bad person, and no matter how horrible or delightful something is it doesnt trigger a response from me. And thats a scary thing. I dont know if these tips will work for you, but they help me sometimes. First off, I overload myself with comedy and upbeat songs. Absolutely no room for anything depressing. That helps me feel a little more happy and less numb. Also, I do this every morning when I take a shower. It helps me get in touch with all my senses and appreciate them too. So, when I get in the shower, I look down at the floor and let the water drain over my head and flow down my body, and shut out all my senses except one. First I will plug my ears, and just focus on watching the water drip from my head. Then I will close my eyes, and focus on the feeling of the water on my skin. Then I will unplug my ears and focus on the sound of the water around me. All this time just trying to appreciate what I take for granted everyday. I dont know if it will help you, but it helps me feel a little more connected with myself, which in turn helps ease some of the numbing. Yea, sorry, those are the only things I can think of right now. I hope you feel better soon, and know that I am here for you during this hard time. Take care- Allen
  9. Welcome Khadijah. I too suffer from obsessive thoughts, and the depression and anxiety that it causes. Hope you can find the support and answers you need on here, and I hope to see you in chat maybe as well. Take care, and welcome again.- Allen
  10. Happy Birthday. Hope you have a good one.
  11. Sorry Kuno, I dont have difficulty distinguishing dreams from reality. I don't really know what to suggest either besides splashing cold water on your face, but you said you experience all 5 senses, so I guess that wouldnt work. Have you tried looking up solutions on the internet? I could imagine its scary though, hope you find a way to beat it. - Allen
  12. Happy Birthday Amanda! Hope you have a good one
  13. Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear nikki, happy birthday to you haha. Have a fun birthday.- Allen
  14. Allen

    Me part 2

    Hey Caz, I'm glad that you are feeling better these days. Its best to just put all that stuff behind you. Drama like that just drags you down and holds you back. I'm sorry that you came across such shitty people, but thats all said and done with now. You are on the rebound and better days are ahead. Keep your head up and take care- Allen
  15. Allen

    All about me

    Hey Caz, I'm glad that you feel safe enough to open to us, good job. Sorry to hear about your childhood. I know how it is to feel like youre not accepted by a group of peers, it can greatly affect your confidence. Also about being judged for who you are, and your appearance, it can be very rough when youre young to go through that kind of criticization. I'm sorry that you had to go through that and that it affects you even now. College is a scary time for everyone, but I think it is definitely much scarier for people with social anxiety and shyness, so I can definitely relate to how you felt going through that. I'm sure your friend leaning on you so much was stressful at times and it just sucks so bad that she wasnt there for you when you needed her. I'm sure it hurt that she cared more about her problems with her boyfriend than your friendship, being the third wheel really sucks. As far as the guy who kissed you, its his loss, but I'm sure it still hurt. I'll wait for the rest, but until then take care- Allen