Okay so I did all that, I started a new course but with the same tutors so I guess that was good because they knew me and what I was (hiding but capable of) so I started another two years at college, thinking a new start would be good, boy I was sooooo wrong. Most of them were younger than me only one or two the same age so I knew what I could be like with the younger ones but you could never guess how bad it would get. There were two girls who knew each other and I guess got along for a while but then there was bitching and the group split in two, as usual I tired to stay friends with them all but it was so hard. The arguing and bitching got worse, the only people I could turn to was my tutor but I still felt uncomfortable. Then one day there was this massive argument, both the main people were taken in to a room and all came out upset and unhappy, I was left out so I was like erm what the hell do I do.
Anyway I talked to my tutor (Adi) about it and he said if I cant stay in class he understands, so I went, went up to the girl I hung with and asked if she was okay and she said she didn't to talk about it, so I said okay and backed off. I couldn't stay in the room so I called over my tutor and left. I stayed in my tutors rooms to do my work. Jamie the guy in our group I saw as I was leaving and he was all like its okay its not you. But I told him I wasn't coming to the same class as him.
Next day I was working away when Jamie and Annie (a good friend from the group) came up to see me and told me I had done nothing wrong it was just she was so mad about some of the things that had been said the day before. Still I felt like it was my fault. I found out after the other girl in the group that spilt called Emily told me Annie had said "oh look there she goes running off to Bernie (Bernie = tutor) like all nasty. I asked Annie and Jamie about this and she said that she didn't say it nasty what ever she said was meant in a nice way that I was going to someone to talk to because all of it had upset me so much.
Anyway over time Annie and Jamie left and once again I was on my own, I didn't fit in very well so I kept to myself, while all this my depression got worse and worse, even with the regret before I did self harm again but after seeing what a mess I made I swore I would never do it again. Luckily I have no scars. In the end I ended up talking to my tutor Adi.He cared so much, I cried on him so many times. He cared more than in just a tutor way, we went to London and I felt ill alot because I was in an awkward situation and the girl I was supposed to be sharing the room with never came in, so I spent ages waiting for her and never came. I knew Adi cared because ewe were walking somewhere and as usual I thanked him for caring and he said its what friends do, I know it was only like college kinda friends but he cared so it was okay.
But still I got real bad, I felt so bad for the guy it drove me crazy. I couldn't do it no more, one night I broke down in tears and told my mum about the s/h and she was like okay well if you ever feel like that again I need you to tell me. I haven't explain any more to her because I don't feel comfy with it so again all inside of me.
I kinda started to feel a touch better I had been to the doctors and got meds and I knew I was leaving soon, I kinda made friends with this guy in the year below me, I was wrong to try and explain what was wrong with me, he called me nasty names like an attention seeker, and well you can guess the kind of things that was said. Worse part was my sister had gotten to know him online, after we had argued my sister went online and really back stabbed me, they sat there calling me loads of names saying I was a miserable person and she didn't even know what was wrong with me. I have never forgiven her to this day and I don't think I will ever do for that.
So finally I left, I work part time I guess I got to know some people better than others my good friend Emma was there helped me through alot of the troubles, knowing about the s/h I didn't exactly tell her she knew it wasn't what I said it was, but she was okay with me as long as I didn't do it again. But then she left work and all communication stopped no matter how much I tried. I guess things got bad but better in the long run because I'm like this now, I'm trying to get better just certain a person have gotten to me and treated me like crap, using me and treating me like a toy. Nearly doing something bad to me. But with help I have come to understand how much he messed with me and did wrong and I hated that side of me and I never want to see it again. But I have some good people around me one person who is special in my heart and I think in time I may get better but I have serious trust issues but and no confidence at all in me I over worry too much but I guess they cant get much worse. Only better now I have this person in my life.