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Everything posted by xmascarol25

  1. That awful land lady stops b y and tells me I need to shut my windows and my langauage is not appropriate for around here oh poor babys as if noe of them heard anyone swear.I finally told her off I told her it is part of my illness she says she is reporting me to the case management and we will talk about this,,I told her to go away and she needs to leave me alone I even called and left her a message telling her she needs to stay away from me and not to call me .I said I pay my rent i am in a deep depression it is clear she doesn't get my illness she is useless and a trouble maker to .people around here where i live need to mind there own business to bad.I know she said she understands my illness sure she does ,she may try to get me thrown out,i will file a complaint just because I have a mental illness and have a hard time controlling my temper i get inn trouble,Hey lets see her try to live everyday worrying scared and afraid .I can report her to and I told her so I told her she is not to come and see me anymore or cal me because I refuse to talk to her ,I am not yelling at anyone .Yes I am mad but very uspet. I have told my son about this.Clearly she has no clue as to how I feel and frankly she doesnt car e either I dont need this crap from her.Sorry but i so needed to vent and dont u dare tell me to close my window land lady. she should be more worried about her job or how things get done around here.
  2. I don't know if it is just me but sometimes I just feel so useless.Well it doesn't help that some people actually make me feel this way.You know the feeling like we are nothing.Why does a physical illness get more preference then a mental illness?? I mean they laugh at us because of our illnesses and believe me I have plenty of them.See I not only have anxieties and panic attacks but i also suffer with bipolar,mood swings,depression and oh agoraphobia.My life stinks. Sometimes I freeze up and just cannot stand up for myself,I know i am very sensitive and get my feelings hurt so very easily. I have no family support so I have to count on some of my friends.I also have a yelling disorder I don't know if anyone ever heard of this but this is actually a true thing ,anger attacks.which is part of my mood disorder and bipolar no doubt ,and living in senior housing doesn't help my land lady just doesn't get it i try to explain to her why I yell but she treats me like dirt.I wish I knew how to stop yelling but I cannot control it .Does anyone have any suggestions.I am at a loss here. She makes me feel so stupid and useless.sorry but I needed to vent.I wouldn't hurt anyone I have so much love in my heart to give.I will admit to something that is one of the reason why I came here not only for myself but maybe I could help others too. Thank you for listening.Sorry about the long posts
  3. Well for me I am planning on going to my sons house for Christmas providing everything is alright.Meaning my anxieties and depression are not bad.Last year I was all set to go and I broke completely down.Had anger spells cried so I had to stay home which meant they had to come to my apt on Jan 1 .Which by the way I didn't feel all to comfortable with that.I am wondering I am kind of scared and nervous whenever my kids do come over is that normal?Then again who is to say what is normal.. I just get very anxious and nervous whenever they are here like I am going to say or do the wrong thing ,I think part of it is because my grand kids are 4 and six. You have to be careful how you act in front of them. I mean I don't want them to see me all nervous anxious and angry.I just don't get it why should I be afraid of my own grandchildren and children?? Does anyone else fear there families coming inside there homes?Believe me they will let me know if I say something wrong they had already.It is like I am almost afraid to even talk or move. I love them so much but this fear of people including my family coming into my home is bothering me. I am more relaxed with my friend why because she never puts me down or judges me. Actually we have a good time together we will watch movies when she is able to stay or just talk. We have this thing called the name game say for instance .There is a Pete Moss or a Jim Shoe something like that. WE laugh so hard one thing I do know with this disorder you have to have some kind of sense of humor otherwise you will go crazy and I so do love to make people laugh. I also love to make things to and I give them away for Christmas.Hey nobody should have to go cold or without. My greatest joy in life is to help others. I know off topic here but still. Happy Halloween to all.Xmas Carol. yes I was born on Christmas Day. I hope everyone here can have a anxiety free holiday season but I also know that is easier said then done.. I just hope I can go to my sons for Christmas. See it isnt for two months already and I am getting anxious also I have a doctors appointment with my shrink on the 22 of November and I am already having anxieties about that why because I have to go with someone I hardly know he drives seniors around but on a van and I am so afraid of falling . I can deal with having to stay alone at the doctors which I suppose is a big step for me considering just about a year ago I needed someone with me at all times. I just am afraid they may leave me stranded. They say they won't but still.You know how it is with anticipatory anxieties.I have that all the time.
  4. Hi everyone I just want to say I do hope that everyone has a nice holiday and that your'e anxiety free.Me I am staying home there is no way I can leave my house.I have been angry depressed and very anxious.The worst part is I feel lonely even though I had a friend visit with me.I hated to see her go.God Bless all of you.Stay safe and well.Xmas Carol
  5. xmascarol25

    Where are the newbies?

    I do check in everyday but I don't know what to say .I am so afraid of saying something wrong or stupid.However I am here for anyone who needs to talk .I have mentioned before how much I love to help people if I can. One thing I like to mention is I am planning on going out on Christmas day to my sons house.That is a big step for me considering I am an agoraphobic, among other mental illnesses. which I do have.Thanks for listening.May all of you have a very happy holiday season.Stay safe and well.Oh yes I am feeling somewhat anxious because of a winter storm heading our way this coming Sunday, This always happens to me I get weather anxieties. Well maybe I did have something to say I just hope it didnt sound stupid,
  6. xmascarol25

    Panic attack newbie

    I understand how you feel for some reason this weekend i feel so darn depressed.thinking about my late husband doesn't help any.I feel like all I want to do is sleep because the only time to get away from the depression and anxieties are when I sleep,Although there are times when I will have a really bad anxiety dream.I don't drive either haven't for years wish the doctors would just try to understand when we cannot come in because we either are to sick or just don't have a way of getting there and around here if you do not see them in a certain amount of time they won't give you your meds no matter how sick you are.Please feel free to talk to me anytime.Carol
  7. xmascarol25


    Hi I was born on Dec 25th so I usually go to my sons house if I can,Last year I couldn't go because I was so depressed all I did was cry and I don't like people seeing me cry,If I don't go I just sit here all alone in my apt watching tv .Last year the kids had to come to my place on Jan first to get there gifts,it was horrible.I felt like such an out cast in my own home,I just felt like the gifts I have were not good enough.Even my daughter laughed at one of my gifts. She didn't think I saw her but I did and I still feel bad about that. I think the only reason I go at all is because of my two grandchildren one is 6 and the other is four ...It is so hard for me to be around a lot of people.I feel so uneasy.
  8. As of tonight my cousin was disconnected from her life support she passed out yesterday and there is nothing more they can do for her.She was only 63 and I am so very anxious and upset about this.We were the best of friends when we were kids she was even my bridesmaid .I am at a lost I feel so awful about this because I haven't spoken to her in 12 years.Her husband had cancer and this is the second child my aunt has lost. I wish I could be with her but I can't. Why her I mean I am the one who is sick I mean mentally ill. Oh dear lord, I feel like such a failure.I already am missing her. How much more am I suppose to take it hasn't even been 3 months since my dad died now this. Her brain just wasn't functioning anymore,so why do I feel like that is my fault? I always have a nasty habit of blaming myself when someone else is feeling bad or sick .Does anyone else feel this way. I know I am not to blame.I think ,sorry I talk so much but this is so very upsetting to me I cannot believe she is gone.
  9. xmascarol25

    Panic attack newbie

    Hi and welcome I have had anxieties now for over 35 years I take klonopin it helps some but if it develops into a panic attack forget it nothing seems to help me. I so wish I could help you with your depression I am on meds for that to,they say to try vitamin d ,It seems to liven up my spirits some,to be honest there are days when I don't even want to face anyone. I cry and I have no clue as to why.I suppose part of it is because I feel like one big failure.One thing I can say it is not our fault we have this illness even though I know at times it may seem like it. I recently lost my dad two months ago and my late husband has been gone now for over 12 years and I know that is part of what causes my depression. It is so hard to get over it.May I suggest something now it always doesn't work but try to lay down when you feel bad take a deep breath think of something you really enjoy it could be something from your pasts or even now,See with me it is the beach I try to picture myself walking along the beach like early in the morning when the water is so calm it looks like glass and the sun is rising just the calmness of the ocean makes me feel relaxed.Or say you liked a amusement park think of when you use to ride on the rides ,Just anything that will make you feel happy. Gosh I wish I could get pasts this.I just do this and it may sound korny a lot of praying NOt that it will make it go away but i just feel better doing it. Visual therapy might help you some with the depression may I asks do you have anxieties as well? I am also bipolar and have a mood disorder so sometimes I tend to yell but so far for over three weeks now I have been able to control it otherwise they will evict me,Which is not right i feel like I am being discriminated against because of my mental illness. Do you ever feel that way? I hope I was able to help you some,my name is Carol and if you ever need to talk to me that is fine.. I know sometimes just talking to someone makes me feel better.
  10. xmascarol25

    Seasonal Agoraphobia

    I was wondering if anyone seems to get worse with there agoraphobia during the fall and winter season? It does with me matter of fact many a times I had to cancel doctors appointments because of it.Needless to say my doctor was not all to happy about it.Why can't the doctors realize that sometimes it is just not an option for us to even leave the house.Mine gets to be so bad then I am afraid to go anywhere.Sometimes I get so confused and cry.I know I am a very insecure and sensitive person.but this is so annoying to live with.People will look at me like I am strange because I keep to myself.Well there is a reason for that.. I live in senior housing get my drift?? Anyway like to hear if anyone else's agoraphobia is worse or not.Then if I know if a storm is coming I have non stop panic attacks,I hate being stuck inside but yet at the same time just the thought of going out is very frightening for me..However if I can or manage to go and see my doctor I talk up a storm on the way there because it keeps my mind from wondering.I wont think of being scared.Oh the poor driver lol.
  11. xmascarol25

    Seasonal Agoraphobia

    This is only my third day i do feel somewhat better hey I even went outside and sat for about an hour and a half even though it was to cold out now last week I couldn't even do that. Here is already dark by seven.I don't mind though.Hey at least i haven't yelled for about what two and half weeks now,which for me is good. Hope you have a nice day.Thanks for letting us know about vitamin d..
  12. xmascarol25

    Seasonal Agoraphobia

    I just tried some vitamin d today cannot say one way or another that it worked but I did feel a wee bit calm unfortunately it didnt last to long...
  13. xmascarol25


    Aii I know is that I have to take meds for gerd a- acid reflex most of the time.I get bad chests pains and I can actually feel my muscles contract at times,What really does scare me is sometime I will get like a tickle in my throat then the next thing you know I cannot catch my breath and I start gagging sometimes I will throw up however most of the time it is just sorry dont mean to gross you out it is a tiny bit of mucus. Sometimes my heartburn is bad even though i have tried Tums they won't work but Gaviscon does work for me ..The chest pains can become very uncomfortable at times oh my goodness especially if the muscles do contract t feels like I got a horse sitting on top of my chest.I cannot eat when I am like that..It makes me so anxious to i know it is mostly gas but everything makes me nervous I never lay down right after I eat because that could make it worse.Sometimes I take deep short breathes and it works for about a second or two.oh ya one more thing the gerd can also give you an awful taste and cause sinus infections ,,, just thought u should know
  14. Good evening friends just wanted you to know that I am thinking about each and everyone of them.I have been sick which causes my anxieties grow into panic attacks,but what I don't get is why is it when we are sick our anxieties and panic attacks seem to become much worse.There are times when i just cannot relax no matter what I do,like all week when i try to lay down to sleep I become very restless and then I have to sit in my rocker hoping that I can doze off but no such luck.i wonder what is it about whenever we get sick our adrenaline seems to go up even more.I do have that awful restless syndrome as well .my thoughts and prayers are with each and everyone of you.i wish i could just help you all.
  15. xmascarol25

    I am freaking out and I dont know what to do

    Good morning I feel so darn shaky today well first the power goes out and you know how I feel about losing things ugh i just don't feel normal like I am in a fog a real space cadet so I will try to see if I can sit outside.No sun but that doesnt bother me any.....
  16. Okay so I sent in my rent money it was sent back to me.I have a feeling they are evicting me this is just plan bs.Why because I have a yelling problem,so I emailed the senior center coordinator and called my doctor just for a letter and I also told them they need for my land lady to stay away from me ,i am crying writing this .I am feel so depressed and anxious as it is now well actually having a panic attacks,Ok first of all from what I read they cannot throw you out if you are disabled further that witch has no business coming inside my apt asking me about my physical and mental state.That is the law the land person has no right to come into someones apt.unless it is an emergency and she worms her way in here all of the time. I cannot move ,why because i got nowhere to go,Clearly a mental illness is not accepted where I live.. That my friends is discrimination. I asked my son for help too.Gosh i am at my wits end. Frankly I am scared.I mean why would they even bother to inspect my place last week or tell me to shut the windows .I am crying shaking like a leaf.. I need help in the worse way..
  17. xmascarol25

    I am freaking out and I dont know what to do

    Hi I did contact the senior coordinator and I told him that my land lady needs to stay away from me and even my son said so,I even pointed out that she is not suppose to come into my apt asking about physical and mental issues which she is always doing, it is illegal for her to come into my apt unless something is an emergency .She is suppose to be here next Sat I will refuse to open the door for her that is my right she just makes me so nervous i think part of my anxieties is because of her.Guess what else half of her family lives here to how convient spelling is bad is that also the handyman is like her nephew.. I cannot deal with her and I did explain to the man what my illness are and that I cannot help my yelling however the good news is I havent yelled in almost two weeks instead of yelling i just whisper what I want to say when I get angry. I think I know what may have happened well since the mail didnt say return to sender it was just given to me i think the mail man might have gotten messed up he has done that before but as you know we are not perferct.He put like my apt no next to there addy so i think he got confused geez I hope.. Bad news my doctor never called back for some reason they don't want to help me with this,all I asked for was a short note just saying my yelling is part of my illness ugh sometimes the doctors around here could care less all they see is dollar signs...
  18. xmascarol25

    Phobia of cats.

    I use to have a big fear of cats but not anymore since I had my late brothers cat to catch a little mouse who I saw run clear across my living room in my trailer .Try to picture this I was pregnant at the time and I jumped up on kitchen table and scream,so now cats are my friend,However my biggest animal fear is snakes I cannot even look at one on tv or anything because I get sick to my stomach then I cry because it is so bad,it doesn't help matters any either when you have bad nightmares about them.Years ago I saw chasing a little bird and I jumped on the picnic table my neighbor heard me scream he checked out the area it went and crawled underneath my house,I was so afraid it would get inside,oh that poor little bird this was no small snake about four ft and inch one is to big for me.They make my stomach crawl. Oh by the way what is fear of snakes .I even hate to type that word uck
  19. xmascarol25

    I did it

    I have been going outside for about four hours a day now even though I feel so anxious and depressed because it wasn't doing me any good just to lay down and mope around .I dread it once winter comes won't be able to go out at all.Just have to be careful of the skunks around here lol however they don't come out until late at night.Ps I want to get sprayed.lol just a big hug for anyone who needs one
  20. xmascarol25

    I did it

    I know maybe it doesn't seem like much but to a person who is agoraphobic this is a big accomplishment for me.Well I finally went and sat outside again today for about an hour.I was alone nobody bothered me I took with me my knitting so what I am going to try to keep doing is going outside every day again even if it is for a half hour it is a start ,this is coming from someone who is afraid of just about everything. Staying inside is not doing me any good,I am yelling ,cant sleep or even eat but in my case that is good lol.I am crawling up the walls I am sick and tired of living in this prison. I need to see the outdoors ,thanks for listening..Carol
  21. xmascarol25

    About Monophobia

    Yes she is so nice she is my meals on wheels lady we met over a year ago,I liked her the minute I saw her so I invited her in to stay for awhile she came in sat down and we hit it off I can tell her anything she doesn't have any mental illnesses but she understands somewhat. She told me she felt bad because she could see I had nobody here to visit me,gosh I don't know what I would ever do without her.I feel lost when she cannot stay.That is so unusual because I don' t really like someone coming in my apt but she just seemed so nice.One thing I know she is wonderful.I love it when she brings me a dunkin donuts coffee.. I have been having a hard time since my dad passed away on July 30 of this year ya I got depression,bipolar anxieties mood disorders and anger attacks ,I know hitting my head didn't help any well that is what my shrink told me.I fell and hit the glass in my entertainment center,it was like 3 am, I also have this terrible fear of falling I wonder if there is a name for that.I have already fallen bad here once in my new apt. I just got a bruise.so I was okay,well nice talking to you.I am always going to be here if you need to talk more,here is a hug ..Gosh I wish I could get a hug,,, Hugs to everyone
  22. xmascarol25

    About Monophobia

    Hi my name is Carol and welcome I suffer with agoraphobia,however I dont know if this will classify this as monophobia or not but I fear of being alone too,well to be honest I am alone.I am so afraid that something bad may happen and nobody will be here to help me.My husband passed away 12 years ago needless to say this fear of being left alone started before that. The worse part is he died right in front of me and I saw him take his last breath.My kids don't bother so I feel like I was left alone to fend to myself. Excuse my spelling sometimes I can't see to well. I am suppose to have surgery on my left eye due to cataracts but I just cannot right now.Actually a couple of years ago I was completely blind because I had it in both eyes I did have my right eye done but get this one it was so bad my land lady threatened to evict me because I was dropping pills all over the floors and i would miss the trash can.So I had to deal with temporary blindness and believe me it was much worse at night.Right now the nighttime just scares me the most.I mean just last night it sounded like someone was trying to get inside my apt.Lucky for me I have a nice friend who will come and sit with me just about everyday except for the weekends,sometimes she can't stay because she has to work and I hate it but i do understand it is her job,however she has a way of making me smile and she is the only one I feel comfortable with ... I can't understand how I hate being alone yet I don't want to be around anyone. Gosh this living alone just kills me. When my husband was alive I had to take care of him but he was always there for me and since he passed away I was left to do everything,and believe me that is so hard.Years ago I had this really bad fall and landed in a nursing home never again. I was there for almost four months.However when I got home the cycle of being afraid because I was alone started up all over again.I hit my head pretty bad. I dont know maybe this is part the reason I am the way I am,sorry to talk so much but when you are alone you just need some kind of support , i hope you come back here,carol with Hugs
  23. How about just don't think about it.Duh that is much easier said then done.Since I suffer with depression ,bipolar and a mood disorder.that makes it so hard not to think about it or just keep your mind occupied I have tried even that doesn't work. I cannot stand someone who thinks they more about my illness then i do and they don't ever have it.. People need to show more compassion then to put us down.
  24. Hi ellen just want to say I love you and here is a big hug hug
  25. xmascarol25

    Mood Swings From Hell

    Hi I have depression to along with he mood swings however my problem is I yell and believe me I got into trouble here where I live plenty of times.What makes me upset is that the land lady just doesn't try to understand how i feel she cares more about the physical illnesses here.I do feel bad for the sick ones but having a mental illness where I live is not acceptable.Believe me I have tried like the devil to stop my yelling .It usally occurs when I lose something or someone gets me upset.Meaning like places I buy for. I get really nervous when my computer messes up and my tv goes . If my husband was still alive he I know he would have helped me.Some days it gets so bad I mean one minute I can be singing the next I am yelling like crazy and it doesn't even sound like me.I suppose part of it is because I feel useless and on top of that the frustration inside of me has to come out.Like today for intense I had a very bad anger attack yes there are things called anger attacks I did some research on it.It was so bad I could hardly talk and I know someone will say something again,they even threatened to evict me.I cannot help it.I try some things like going outside which will help singing and humming or just like talking through my teeth but it doesn't always work some days I can laugh it off others ugh.I am not a bad or mean person it is just part of my illness,I just wish they would get it around here ,my land lady knows I am doing it because of my illness and that I get frustrated.I just don't understand why she cannot get it.To be honest she makes me nervous and I frankly cannot stand her.I think she knows to that she makes me nervous and I don't doubt that is why she does it. I am trying what more can I do,some days I wish i could well shoot myself but I wont it is just intrusive thinking. I love just about everyone.I couldn't hurt anyone and my land lady knows this to,but boy when she wants something she can be so nice...She said something to me last week and I finally told her it was none of her business it isn't.She thinks just because she runs this place she can put her nose into every ones business.I pay my rent on time.Anyway she comes out and tells me I need to respect her more why because someone finally stood up to her guess she didn't like it someone telling her to mind her own business.Then she says Carol you need to respect me more respect her ,I just told her I will respect you when you respect me.She is not well liked around here.Then what happens after I hang up the phone I started crying yelling and shaking.I wish she would just leave me alone she is always picking on me for something.I sit here in my apt minding my own business and I still get into trouble.I do take meds but they are not working.Having anxieties and panic to doesn't help me either. I want all of this gone.I do have a great friend who will sit with me when she can.for about 2 hours ,she understands how I feel. She loves me no matter what .I am far from perfect.But I cannot stand to see people hurting or suffering I have the need to want to help them. Sometimes people will walk all over me to because I am afraid to say something.Sorry so long but I needed to get it out .If anyone can help with how to manage my yelling I would like to know.thanks to everyone here.