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About Kunoichi

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    Advanced Member

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    Martial arts, reading, drawing, writing

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  1. Kunoichi

    R.I.P Jenni

    Amen. May she rest in peace and prayers are with the family. Well said Dino. God bless them all and give them peace and strength in this hard time.
  2. Kunoichi

    Bipolar mixed state?

    Hey Llaura, I get this. I get racing thoughts, paranoia, mild hallucinations. I do not get the "high" like hypomanic. But i literally cannot stop my head, cannot stop my body etc. So often times I will go on a severe cleaning spree. That can occupy and cause my body intense pain (which is how I guess my body wants to "calm down" without realizing that it isn't good for me). The other side of this at the same time is am severely depressed (which sounds like it can't exist between the hypomanic but it does) and I feel like all I want to do is end myself. So the suicidal thoughts get on a very high rise. And with the mixed feelings, I have the racing thoughts often of suicidal ideation to paranoia to fear and more. It is very difficult for me to control what is going on. I haven't gotten advice on how to deal with it. No one. They just tell me to "not think about it". That isn't a possibility. Just wanted you to know you weren't alone. <3 Kunoichi
  3. Kunoichi

    chat room link not working - server error?

    Chat room via MIRC is working. I don't know if this is the case with Java however, since I don't use it. So if it wasn't working that day, it is now
  4. Dino, Please do not leave coming on here. We love you and we like to hear from you. I want you to keep talking, keep venting and its okay to deal with it. I'm so sorry your panic is so severe. You can keep living and you can keep living as best you can with what you have. Thinking of you always hun. Love Kelly
  5. Put it in facebook but adding it here, Happy Birthday Jen!!!!
  6. *ninja hugs* to you YGG. I feel the same. Though I'm not going anywhere I assure you. Just having a bit of a struggle and can't say how active I'll be in forums or chat currently. But i wanted to write this and felt the need to, so there it is.
  7. I want to really thank those in my life who have really been there for me this last few months. Whether that was a simple phone call, listening to me when I was vulnerable and needed a shoulder to cry in, just saying "I care" or "I'm praying". Or the simple "i love you", the hugs, opening up to me. Everything. Whether you realize it or not, you caring means the world to me. Saying "I am here. I care. I'm not going away". I know I am human, I'm not always easy to deal with. In fac...t, I am often weak in faith, prone to melachonly and seemingly least usable person. But people stay anyways. That unconditional love astounds me. I truly do not "get it". But I am grateful for it. So thank you. Also want to thank you guys for making me laugh. For letting me share my feelings without judgement, without shoving aside my feelings into simple cliches of "think one way or another". Letting me just "be" in all my imperfections. Thank you and I love you all very much. Kelly PS. if you think you haven't been there, because maybe you weren't able to "fix" my problems or maybe I didn't tell you about what was going on, or maybe I was shut down to everyone..you still helped. This applies to everyone, whether they believe it or realize it. PSS. If anyone wants to copy/paste this to those they think need it..or well haven't heard it in case I'm not here much due to my own trials. Then please do so. I would start adding apologies for all my wrongs...all my humanness, but i think that list would be too long. God bless.
  8. Dino, I know you haven't been doing well. I know you ahve been getting hit with a thing after another. but..well wanted to remind you of the unconditional love that is here. That at least, for myself talking, I am here if you need it. I may not always be able to handle things, have advice, or know what to say. I may not always have time (speaking if like I need to go somewhere, 24/7 ability) but you can still PM me and i will still listen. *hugs* to you for your dad's passing. May God bless you and keep you in his loving arms. Love always kelly
  9. Cheerygirl, I didn't see this until today. I am going to post a forum in General discussion, I would like you to read beacause it does apply to you. To me, thoughts is one thing, actions are another, plans are another. I recently had a friend who tried to die. He was in a coma for a few days but made it out alright. I can relate at least to wanting accpetance. that even though i am experiencing thoughts i find despicable, that people will say "well i am here for you, even through this." Well I am extending that. I can't say I'll have advice, that I'll know what to say or that I'll even be able to do well with it. But I can listen and I can say that "I am not leaving you, or running away, no matter your thoughts." Hell, I'll be honest. Suicide is a hard subject for me. I know close hand and have nearly died so many times that it seems like its almost expected. But..I know that its not the road I want. I do agree, are people in chat qualified? No. Not in a professional sense. Can we listen? (provided mentally/emotionally can handle it). then yeah. I don't know if you still have thoughts of suicide now. I know that I do..at last when i'm severely depressed or its a sudden thought out of the blue. Its like when you have used that as a coping mechanism for so long, its harder to just get it to go away. Maybe it won't. That being said, i know none of this is eloquent or probably very helpful. Hell I just hope I'm not making things worse..but if you are willing to let someone in, let someone love you and what not (not saying you don't). For what it is worth, I'm here. You don't need to be a masquerade, no matter how appealing that is. That being said again, its something I do. I see it as a way that I'm afraid. I feel like all it will do is burden others, hurt others etc. But..i think its okay to feel that way. I think its human. I think its human to think of suicide, maybe not healthy but still human. So well I'm here if you need it, or want it. I may not be the best person, or the right person, but the offer is a standing offer. Love always Kelly
  10. It's true but that's part of the phobia. It is only way I feel safe. It seems stupid to alot of people and like it isn't a big deal..but it is for me. And I need to know its okay that I deal with it. I am working on not letting it be as effective on me (I was able to kill the bug this time which was a huge step for me) and I don't deal with it alot because don't see them alot. I keep the house immaculate but ya know, its normal with where i live, weather and such. but yeah. thanks at least for caring and reading Pog. As always, knowing someone cares helps me.
  11. I am very very phobic of cockaroaches. Not something I tell people because I'm embarassed. I was laying down in bed reading and one flew on my kindle so i've spent last hour 1/2, 2 hours. completely cleaning the entire house..and i mean sterilization. I also may have broken my mom's bf lamp. I need to find lightbulbs (not moving anymore right now) to see if it is. He won't be happy. I'm washing all my clothes and sheets now, vacuumed, bleached every single thing, dusted, had to take a shower and change clothes. Also running a empty dishwasher just in case. I cleaned the entire house in a rush like a tornado was after me. I found one kernel of pop corn in my room so that's probably what attracted it and its wet outside..so maybe its normal but logic doesn't work for me in this case. It beyond freaks me out. I keep looking around, scared to death i'm going to see another one. Some people may few this as stupid but I don't care. This is something that is very real and very difficult for me to deal with. It is also why I'm such a OCD cleaning person. I managed to kill both of them (found a tiny one in another room) while shaking and crying and now i feel like I just want to get sick. Now I'm just trying to stop shaking and crying. So its 5:30 am and I'm not going to sleep. So that means I'll be up all day when I'm already feeling like crap and ill. It's stupid and people don't get it and people say how "common" it is. But I don't know if its normal to spend 2 hours cleaning and re-cleaning and re-sterilizing (house is always clean anyways) because I saw one cockroach. But whatever, maybe it doesn't matter. I'll probably end up deleting this but I needed to type it out. Thanks for reading if anyone does. Bye.
  12. Kunoichi


    Appreciate that Admin. Though I'm unsure if the ideas would be meeting with the goals of the site. I'll put something up when I'm able to.
  13. Glad to see you back and hope to see you in chat soon gwen. Take care
  14. Kunoichi


  15. Bless them Praying for both!!! *Hugs* to them