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Kunoichi

Apathy/Emotional Numbing

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While I would normally put this in a blog, I am seeing if anyone else can relate to this. Right now I am going through alot. More than I am going to share and more than I am willing to share. Frankly, there are very few that I trust enough to share the information with as it is sensitive and as we all know, I'm not one to open up.

That being said, I am experiencing a total shut down of emotions when all that is going on should/could/"healthily" would be making me a emotional mess or at least having emotional experiences. I feel nothing, a total emotional shut down. While I do understand that this is a defense mechanism, it is having me withdraw and feel isolated. I lost one huge support person and I am unable where I am living to reach out for more. Chat has its people of course but I am not ready to open up fully there. Having a blog is hard enough, talking/chatting in "real time" is nearly unbearable wen it comes to what is really going on. Perhaps it is the whole monster complex feeling.

Anyways, I find that I am nearly apathetic. Emotional numbing is a dangerous part of my depression and while I know I won't do anything that would harm myself or others, it is a sign of a lack of progress. Something that concerns me. With the DID, it would be common for me to switch out often and frankly I have been. One thing that does sadden me a bit was other parts of myself were unable to say good bye to my boyfriend, who is moving. Then again they can always write him letters etc. Just a emotional mess perhaps without feeling or able to recognize what I'm feeling.

It's like when you have to look at physical symptoms to understand sadness, happiness, fear, overwhelmed...it isn't something at this time that I can recognize. Maybe my brain knows better and that if I was to feel everything that was going on..which is far more than just my boyfriend moving...I would break. Anyways, not quite sure why I posted this other than to see if anyone else out there could relate and perhaps had some tips on how to go with this. Whether it would be wise to push myself to that wall or to let it be and when my brain/body is ready, let it happen.

Love ya

Kuno

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Hiya Kunoichi

Firstly i am sorry to read your going through all this , i wish i had the right words to make you feel better

For me when my mind feels overwhelmed and just unable to cope with a situation.i shut myself away from everyone and everything

Sometimes it seems to feel like being almost ‘detached’ from reality. Standing back and watching life being lived for you.but it terrifies me only adding to my panic and anxiety

Medication can also cause that effect too dulling all emotions, not just the unhelpful ones.

I'm sorry i'm probably not making much sense here but want you to know i'm thinking of you

love dino

xxxxxxxx

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Thank you dino for responding and caring. I've never gotten this directly from my medication, just from depression in general. The situations themselves are probably why I'm staying detached and well with the DID, in a way it can be helpful. If i get too much, other parts of my brain take over to function. I hate this and at the same time I just don't care. I hate it intellectually because I know its a sign of regress but don't care emotionally because I'm emotionally numb anyways.

Anyways, I really do appreciate you caring. Just "stuck" right now.

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Hey Kuno. While my emotional numbing might not be as intense as yours, its something I can relate to. While its gotten better, my emotional numbness used to really scare me. I never understood why people said that they would rather feel nothing than feel depressed and anxious etc. I dont know if its the same for you, but when I feel nothing, I feel like I'm a bad person, and no matter how horrible or delightful something is it doesnt trigger a response from me. And thats a scary thing.

I dont know if these tips will work for you, but they help me sometimes. First off, I overload myself with comedy and upbeat songs. Absolutely no room for anything depressing. That helps me feel a little more happy and less numb.

Also, I do this every morning when I take a shower. It helps me get in touch with all my senses and appreciate them too. So, when I get in the shower, I look down at the floor and let the water drain over my head and flow down my body, and shut out all my senses except one. First I will plug my ears, and just focus on watching the water drip from my head. Then I will close my eyes, and focus on the feeling of the water on my skin. Then I will unplug my ears and focus on the sound of the water around me. All this time just trying to appreciate what I take for granted everyday. I dont know if it will help you, but it helps me feel a little more connected with myself, which in turn helps ease some of the numbing.

Yea, sorry, those are the only things I can think of right now. I hope you feel better soon, and know that I am here for you during this hard time. Take care- Allen

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Allen

I appreciate your input. The numbing is wearing off slowly. It may mean that I will have a small breakdown..but I have to keep it hidden which is harder all the more. No need to apologize. I do thank you for caring and continuing to encourage and support me. I appreciate you making yourself open to helping me as well.

Love ya

Kuno

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