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Kunoichi

Insecurity, Paranoia: side effects of Depression?

2 posts in this topic

Hey guys,

Though I could chat about this in chat...I'd rather do it on forum where I can formulate my thoughts a little better. I have noticed with my depression that I experience heavy paranoia in terms of the relationships in my life. How people really do hate me but are friends,in relationships with me due to pity. I get the every increasing thoughts of self-doubt, fear, abandonment issues, and desire to have help but too scared to ask.

I know that this is probably a side effect of just my own issues but I notice them increase exponentially the more depressed that I am. I am experiencing this now. Also get sudden urges of anger. I wouldn't call it rage since its controlled, but certainly anger.

I get worried that I am just a burden to people, that since I have nothing to offer...why are people with me? This I know is probably my own past as well. Since love was a conditional aspect as was friendship. My best friend of 14 years, who I realize now was unhealthy, was a very conditional love person..but in my mind, she was the only one willing to be friends with a isolationist, fearful and often depressed person. So I clung to that even if it often meant that I was criticized, told that I wasn't pretty, I was naiive, etc etc etc. They aren't all bad memories, but I realize now it was unhealthy.

This is kind of going off my intended path, however...I just feel alot of insecurity and paranoia right now. I feel very depressed even when all I do is smile. Don't get me wrong I feel alot of gratitude going on in my life and I don't necessarily have a "negative" outlook on what's going on in my life. I can't change the feelings thought, not by will alone. Also the thought processes/belief systems are firmly in place when depression hits, so even though I "know" that I'm not a burden and people care about me for me (that's what they tell me) and I trust them on that, I still have those feelings and still have those thoughts.

I'm not attempting to dwell on them and doing my best to not be hard on myself. Which..as most know..is a very against my nature. Anyways, I guess writing this was both an outlet and perhaps find other people who can relate. It is also to clarify things for myself.

Thanks for reading and letting me have a safe place to talk.

Love ya

Kuno

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Hi hun can I say that I find this.  You say you feel it the more you become depressed.  I get those feelings when im poorly . I think your feelings come through more. If you havnt already havnt done so I would speak to your doctor as you may not be on the correct anti depressant.  Write your feelings down and try to keep a diary to explain how yoy feel.  I am going through simular thibgs at present so I no how you feel .

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