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LLaura

How many times???

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Sorry ahaed of time if this seems like a huge whiney meaningless boring rant, but yeh.... just how many times is a person supposed to endure having to start life totally over again before they can respectively be permitted to just completely lose it and say enough, no more, I can take a hint and won't bother with trying to live and make a life anymore., and ill instead just hide myself away in this dark, empty hole in the wall until the breathing and the needling pain stops.

*sigh...

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*Hugs* hun. You deserve to have a life and you saw that in treatment center (or at least it seemed that way to me). Don't give up hun and no worries on the rant. I just hope you don't hide away. xxx

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Thanx kuno, yeh I know I was seein some light while I was at the crisis center place. Problem now is that I, onvce again, am back to having zero f2f support, support I had at the center.

I'm a stranger in a strange land here.... findg myself once again havg to learn how to get around, find places, meet ppl, etc and all that most days is so overwhelming I just skip it, put it off for another day, go back to sleep. Even small baby steps confuse and disorient me because wth do I do first, and then what ? Too many decisions and directions to go.... so I stay where I am, avoid, dfistract and procrastinate.

idk, after having the proverbial rug pulled out from beneath me so many times and havg to start life over, I'm really less and less motivated or interested in trying to do anything out there.

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Yeah. I think you having face to face support is crucial for you. Can anyone at the center hook you up with face to face support through groups etc?

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Yeah. I think you having face to face support is crucial for you. Can anyone at the center hook you up with face to face support through groups etc?

Well yeh, there are lots of groups, etc here. But do I... can I... risk getting involved and attached to them and then once again have to separate from them, leave, move or whatever?

No.

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Well that goes back into what you were saying in the other thread you put in. Its acceptance that things are going to change, there is no way to control that. life changes, you yourself change and things around you change whether you want them to or not. Even when it seems like it hasn't, it has. So the question is not if you can go to a group and then assume you'll get "abandoned". That's just bringing the past to your present and not taking things on face value. In all actuality, you may have a group and may get alot out of it and say you move, then you can still take what you got out of it and find another group and start from there. I don't know. that is just my thinking. Not saying what you are thinking isn't valid or is "wrong", rather I don't know if its coming from a healthy perspective versus using your past as your point of reference.

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Yeh i can accept that life means change, etc. It's just that each time I have to start over, it takes more and more out of me. I'm tired/sleepy all the time. Never seem to feel rested enough. I been sleeping a lot because most of the time I get so sleepy it's a battle to stay awake... I feel physically drained.

My mind is so slow, also. I had a mtg with a voc rehab person last week. I got so tongue-tied and brainless. He as asking me questions to start my file, and i was stuttering and stammering my way through them. He asked me my phone number and I went totally blank. I remembered some of the numbers, but I sat there for what seemed like an hour trying to remember them all. Tried to look on my cell phone for it, but was fumbling with the buttons, unable to find it. He asked if I was ok, and all I could do was look at him and shake my head. I left his office with my anxiety through the roof and dizzy.

I have to get my sh** together and don't have the energy nor competency required for it. Yes, life is change, often unexpected. But how many times is one person expected to endure it with the frequency I've been put through this past year?

I dunno.... right now i'm so sleepy.... as usual.

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"How many times do you have to get thrown off the bull before you accept that the rodeo isn't for you?"

idk, this just seems to metaphorically explain how I feel lately about life, my life.

But, I also know that yeh, life is a journey (thanks for that reminder Kuno) and as with most journeys, it doesn't necessarily go in a straight line; it's got turns and twists, and the trick is just dealing with them as best you can to get yourself through.

LL

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