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cheerygirl

Where to go when you reach a wall

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So where CAN i be suicidal then? Feels like no one will talk to me.. And no I don't want a therapist. I need a friend. Someone that won't judge me. I feel so helpless. If this is against rules then ok I understand.

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I think the more appropriate question is.... who is qualified enough to help me/us when we feel suicidal. People here can understand... empathize, etc. But it's like if you have a raging fever and lose consciousness. Who is more qualified to help? Chat room people.... or a doctor? Serious business requires serious attention. Not that we aren't serious here, but.... still, not qualified. But we DO care... but in such situations, caring isn't enough.

I know that's prob not what you wanted to hear.... and I'm not trying to seem cold or uncaring, etc. But it's facts... reality. I know I didn't get proper help when I was in such a situation until I got myself some real f2f help and intervention. Don't limit yourself, Cheery. Help is out there for you... as it was for me. Reach out.. take steps... and eventually you find what you need. Keep trying. As the song goes "you can't always get what you want... but if you try sometimes, you get what you need".

xxxxxxx

LLaura

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Thanks for the reply Llaura.

I know at some point professional help is needed. I understand that and realise it's a route perhaps I need to explore. I'm just fed up of having to hide this feeling. Like when someone says "how are you cheery?" I have to resort to saying I'm fine, when that is so far from the truth. I'm not saying I want to pour my heart and mind out to any random person. It's just frustrating when I either am not allowed or able to confide in people.

I dunno, maybe I'm hoping too much. I guess I just wanted to see if there are people who feel the same out there. That I'm not alone in all this.

I don't think I necessarily want someone to tell me this is a bad thing to feel and to make me feel different, just someone who 'gets' what I feel.

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Hey Cheerygirl. Suicide is such a heavy topic for most people, maybe thats why it seems like nobody wants to talk to you about it. When people talk to you about suicide, you cant help but feel a bit responsible for their well being afterwards, or at least thats how I feel. I dont know whether youre talking about the chat room or real life, but you know that you always have friends in here that would be willing to talk you about this, myself included.

I know what you mean when you say that you have to resort to saying youre "fine" when someone asks how you are. But please don't feel that way in the chat room, I mean thats what it was created for. Although I do agree with LLaura. If youre talking to people and they are not really understanding you, or its making you feel worse, dont limit yourself to just talking to friends. Regular people don't always know what to say or do, so sometimes a therapist is a good choice.

Anyway, I just wanted to extend my hand of friendship to you. I might not be able to completely understand what you are feeling, but I can relate. I hope I see you back in chat, and I hope you feel better.

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Allen I really appreciate your response and your extended hand of friendship.

I guess I just wanted to feel accepted not isolated because of my thoughts

I, in no way, want to burden or make people uncomfortable because of my thoughts. You both though, have made me feel slightly more Human. In that, you are actually accepting that this is how I feel. As opposed to telling me it us wrong.

I dont need or want people to change my feelings or tell me they are wrong. I guess I just wanted acceptance in this is how I am feeling right now and it's not a horrid, despicable thing to have in my head.

Thank you both for your replies it has made me feel somewhat accepted and not so isolated x

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sorry you been going through a difficult time cheerygirl.. I know you have been for a while. I know I also haven't been around as much but you know I see it and feel it.. I do hope you seek out help with your feelings.. wherever it may be..

it is a hard topic for people and you have done well, in my opinion, to stay within the rule guidelines. Do whatever it takes to get the help you need.. as hard as it may be there is help out there somewhere.. even if you got to hang on by your fingernails..

look how far Llaura has come.. so proud of her..

and Allen such a sweet soul..

wish I could change the world and "fix" everybody.. myself included.

but for now.. its just one box at a time..

xox

mm

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Well there are those that ask "how are you" and expect and can only handle the "fine thanks, and you?" response. Then there are us folks that been there done that got the t-shirt when it comes to feeling literally like death and come back from it, somehow.

Myself I truly hate that question of "how are you" because, like you said, rarely do ppl want to hear the truth, but rather some rose colored version of it. It's all they can and will take.

So my answer to that question, most of the time is a simple "meh, so-so" (or similar). Which about says it, both as closer to the truth, yet not so close that it freaks ppl out.

So eh, we're still struggling (another response Ive used)... and cheery, you yourself can set boundaries with ppl as far as what you say and how much. You set the tone and the direction of the convo, and if others can't or won't allow that, then you can also choose to end the convo with them.

You have more power then you think or realize... power to go whichever direction you want and choose to. All of us do, and that's a good thing (I'm telling myself this also). No, you're not alone in this and yeh, I totally get it, as the past few months will attest to that. xxxxx

LLaura

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You are right mom, Llaura you have come a huge way. I know you still feel it but frOm the outside it seems like you have overcome ALOT and that gives me some hope.

I'm glad I started this thread. As with every place in life it us easy to allow yourself to become isolated and lonely but maybe I'm not as lonely as I thought.

This doesn't change my feelings but makes me feel less of and alien, less of a deranged idiot. And I thank you all for this. Tbh without this place and you guys in particular, I dunno where I would be

x

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Cheerygirl,

I didn't see this until today. I am going to post a forum in General discussion, I would like you to read beacause it does apply to you. To me, thoughts is one thing, actions are another, plans are another. I recently had a friend who tried to die. He was in a coma for a few days but made it out alright.

I can relate at least to wanting accpetance. that even though i am experiencing thoughts i find despicable, that people will say "well i am here for you, even through this." Well I am extending that. I can't say I'll have advice, that I'll know what to say or that I'll even be able to do well with it. But I can listen and I can say that "I am not leaving you, or running away, no matter your thoughts."

Hell, I'll be honest. Suicide is a hard subject for me. I know close hand and have nearly died so many times that it seems like its almost expected. But..I know that its not the road I want. I do agree, are people in chat qualified? No. Not in a professional sense. Can we listen? (provided mentally/emotionally can handle it). then yeah. I don't know if you still have thoughts of suicide now. I know that I do..at last when i'm severely depressed or its a sudden thought out of the blue. Its like when you have used that as a coping mechanism for so long, its harder to just get it to go away. Maybe it won't.

That being said, i know none of this is eloquent or probably very helpful. Hell I just hope I'm not making things worse..but if you are willing to let someone in, let someone love you and what not (not saying you don't). For what it is worth, I'm here. You don't need to be a masquerade, no matter how appealing that is. That being said again, its something I do. I see it as a way that I'm afraid. I feel like all it will do is burden others, hurt others etc. But..i think its okay to feel that way. I think its human. I think its human to think of suicide, maybe not healthy but still human.

So well I'm here if you need it, or want it. I may not be the best person, or the right person, but the offer is a standing offer.

Love always

Kelly

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I want to thank you guys.

You, and all the rest on this site has allowed me to keep the slithers of sanity I have left. I really appreciate you guys more than I will probably be ever able to express but please know it.

As for how I'm feeling. Although I feel I see small blinks of light from this hole, it's still pretty dark. I am making myself force smiles and laughs out for the simple reason, I do not want to hurt those I love around me any more than is necessary.

I feel responsible for those peoples hearts and feelings who care for me. This is probably why I am still here. Still struggling and still desperately seeking support.

Don't get me wrong. While I struggle to want to leave this dark path, it doesn't mean I like this dark zone my brain has decided to enter.

I need to want to get out. I need to want to get better. To want to live. If not for me, but for those people, who for some reason, are still here. Still with me, still putting up with my emotions. With me and my faults.

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Cheery... a year or so my former T asked me (for the hundreth time) ... what it is I really want? I'd always shirk her off by saying I just wanted to "leave this planet".

My honest answer to her (finally) ... was simply to want. I want to want. Want to have goals and desires and all the rest all of humanity seems to thrive and live on.

So yeh.... I get it.

Have I gotten what I want yet? Ummm... workin on it :)

LL

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I don't know what I want. If I want anything at all.

Today it's been hard. Real hard.

I have all these negative emotions. Yet feel like I have zero emotions at the same time. I don't feel real. I don't even know what real is anymore. Really struggling with what is reality and what's not right now.

I can't deal with all this going on in my head. I wish more than anything that it was just gone. This numbness, or pain, or whatever the hell this feeling is.

When I feel this struggling with reality I lose sense of feelings. And of guilt and responsibility.

This scares me.

That's the one thing holding on and at that, it feels like fingertips.

I'm lost.

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Hey cheery, seems to me like your're thinking too much maybe? I know what your're describing, that unknown feeling that wraps itself around your head, filtering out the necessary cues we need so we know just where we are in this time and place.

And the reason i ask if maybe you're thinking too much is that sometimes, when it all just seems to be too much, it might help to just take a few deep breaths, and go with the flow. Not try to force yourself this way or that, but just.... be, as you are, where you are. Watch your thoughts go in and out, and know that those thoughts, while seemingly scary and confusing, are not commands to action. They merely reflect upon your emotions, and your emotions are reflecting off your thoughts.

Remember also, you're in the driver's seat here. You have choices.

(unsure if the above made much sense, sorry. Got a mean sinus headache atm, so wording is an issue) .. but hope it helps in some way xxxxxx

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Sorry about your headache Ll and ty for the reply even though you aren't well.

Most my problems stem from over thinking i think. It's just hard not to think when all you want to do is think of a way out of this hell. Just one little spark god me to say.. "that's it! This is what I need to do.." But it never comes.

At this stage I don't even think I think half the time. I just find myself staring. Nothing going through my head. Just. Nothing.

I haven't a clue what to do. It's almost better when you know what's wrong. What's triggering it. What way to fix it.

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Just hold on.... to something, anything. I tend to hold onto my pillow during these times, something tangible. hold on... and pray. I'm not at all religious, but during such times I pray ... to the universe... to just get me though, help me get through another day, another hour... just get me through this. And this will pass, just as it has in the past, so will it now. believe and hold on, cheery. xxxx

LL

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So it's 2 years and 2 weeks exactly since the last time I chanced not being here.

In five days... the day after thanksgiving, will be one year for me. and what a year it's been. :unsure:

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