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Sopho

Begginning of my deppresion

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Just thought I'd post a little something from the journal, something people can relate with maybe:

When the curtain of disbelief, hope and confusion falls you realise a simple heartbreaking truth - nobody wants you when you're down and now functioning the way they are used to, you are not of much use to people and they only want you when you have something to give. A belief that someone might want you just for being you isn't backed up by anyones actions. All in all, you are treated like a good merchandise that sells well only when working.

They keep poking you to check for somekind of life signs but when they finally realise you won't move, they leave

and the relationship is deleted. Those who do occasionally care, are enstranged by your inability to communicate and scared away by your silence and their own insecurities. All of it backed up by falsly convenient

ideas of having to do what's best for themselves in the end.

You feel like a little kid, standing in the middle of a big street, lost, bawling it's eyes out with it's little chest painfully shaking with each sob,

unable to see your parents or any other adult to help you out, feeling the cold wind hitting your back.

Your little jacket isn't of any help to you, it's too thin to keep the cold away.

There are people walking around you, ignoring you, passing you by like you're not even standing there,

like your sobs are silent, like you are invisible. It seems the longer you stand there, the sooned comes

the day that you simply dissolve into thin air and dissapear. What you are, is really just a child asking to be

loved. To be validated by love. To have that background given in the first days of your life, saying "you

are worthy of being loved for who you are, with all your flaws and insequrities". It seems simple, but to you

it has turned into a lifetime nightmare of insequrities, broken wishes and hopes. For, once you are given the

unconditional love you so crave for, you fail to recognize it as such, since you've never seen it's example.

It feels odd to you at first, with a shade of pleasure from all the warmth and attention you are getting. But as time passes on

you develop an attitude that didn't seem to be there before. You appear to have demands and needs you didn't

know existed. The first taste of your "I" is a bitter one indeed. Since you were denied your own voice, you feel wrong and

guilty speaking up and yet the need is gnawling at you, causing you to lose control, do the things you never imagined you'd do.

Just because you were never shown any other way to ask for something you blame and pour out agressiveness on those you

care about the most and easily cut off strangers without offering them an alternative. You push them away because your needs

not being met make it feel like a false relationship and pull them close because you fear being alone again. You are weak to rejection since it equals death in your heart. Just how many little deaths did you have to die to realise your parents have left you forever crippled without an alternative for a prostethis?

You feel torn in two, between the adult your environment wanted you to be and the true child that was made by the creator. The duality

in you scares both you and those close to you.

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Yeh... well said sopho, and I can relate to much of this. Nobody wants you when you're down and out... a mantra that's been repeating in my head since I was very little and still does. We come to believe this, and it takes a very strong-willed person to break through it, and even slightly convince us otherwise. And when they do... yeh, we don't trust it, test it, question it, from both the outside and from inside ourselves.

Then the day comes to where, ok, I'll let this person in... they say some nice things. But then because we're so starving for that kind of relationship, that kind of understanding, that kind of "love", I think this is when we tend to consume them, gorge ourselves on them and then yeh, the resentment starts up as we suck them dry. And all this we take on as "crap I screwed up again" in response to their resentment. We blame ourselves and our next attempt at it gets farther and farther down the road.

It's all about balance... and yet, how does one find balance when they've never truly experienced it enough to recognize it?

LLaura

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Hiya Sopho

A very well written and heartfelt post i am sure many here can relate to :)

Thank you for sharing and a huge welcome to the forum

love dino

xxxxxx

154welcome.gif

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Hey Sopho, that was very poetically expressed. You have a lot of great insightful thoughts, and I agree with the things that you said. I agree that people don't really want anything to do with you when you are depressed, but I guess thats understandable. I also agree with what you said about not being loved, noticed or recognized, and then when you suddenly are, its a strange foreign feeling that you don't really know how to react to. Anyway, I hope things look up for you soon, take care- Allen

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