I’ve wrote story
about my social anxiety which I suffer from.. I hope that it can help others understand SA.. and there not alone!!… im 19 going on 20.. SA has recked
most my life.. here is my story,
I was always the ‘quiet’ one at school. Everyone used to get told of for being to loud, shouting out and bad behaviour, but me?
I got shouted at for being to quiet.. not taking part in plays and refusing to read out aloud.. which scared the hell outta me!
I remember in all my classes sitting with my head down to avoid eye contact with the teacher.. because I knew as soon as I made eye contact she would ask me a question. I found it very hard to concentrate on the work because I was worrying about being asked something in front of others. Simple things became big obstacles for me..
I refused many a times not to read out loud in English. In geography simple questions became complicated.. I would read them over and over again.. not making sense of them.
However I did study at home were I felt ‘safe’ I managed to get 4 highers.. Music, Art, Geography and woodworking skills. Passed all my standard grades.. All A’s and B’s in Credit. Then came the 6th year community work…I worried sick about this. We had to pick from Helping in the queues at lunch time, being a guide for the 1st years or going a special needs school to help out.
All anxiety provoking for me. However I decided to
pick helping out at a school coz I done that in primary 7, so I knew where to go. It was only every Monday afternoon.. so it wasn’t that bad.. but I did worry every Sunday about the next day.
When I left school I wanted to either join the army, go to college or uni…
but my anxiety made this impossible! So after a year on the job centre without a job, they were going to give me job whether I liked it or not, the thought of using public transport, going far away from home myself made me worse, So I applied to work in the School I helped out in 6th year. I got the job, however 3 months later I was asked to leave!… I found it hard to speak to the children and do things in front of other people, I had to come home a lunch times coz I couldn’t stay in the place.
Every morning I was sick with worry, which was beginning to make me ill.. both physically and mentally.When I was told to leave I could have killed myself… My fault again… I was a total loser!!! Back on the job centre again.. I was now looking for low skilled jobs that was close to me and didn’t really involve much social contact.. So a cleaner I became. I only lasted about 3 months again before I was bullied because I was quiet, they would boss me around and I couldn’t stick up for myself.. this bullying went on for weeks before I finally walked out. by now I felt like I was going crazy!!… what the hell is wrong with me?!
Next job was a cleaner again but it was offices this time. people would try talking to me.. but my mind would go blank, I’d say something stupid or make a fool of my self! I had to avoid crowds of people, eye contact. I wanted to be able to talk to people… but I just couldn’t. Every day I was down.. fed up with it all… ive just recently left that job due to the anxiety caused.
I loved it.. but my SA recked my life yet again!!..
I’m starting a new job next week, I feel like im in a loop or hurt, pain and sadness… I’m dreading my new job.. worrying about everything.. Will this ever end?!
Over the past 7 years SA had recked it all…. and its just getting worse!